I Don't Want To Ride On Somebody Else's Passion

I don't wanna ride on somebody else's passion

I don't wanna find that I am just dry bones

I want to burn with unquenchable fire

Deep down inside

See it coming alive

Help me find my own flame

Help me find my own fire

I want the real thing

I want your burning desire

--- song "Help Me Find My Own Flame" by Will Reagan and United Pursuit

Ever since I first heard this song a couple months ago, I've had a stirring in my heart for something more. Something much more. I believe that I have a unique calling on my life, and that my own flame is to go to South Africa and help people with Aids through health care and music. I feel a stirring in my heart to get more training, either do more YWAM school's or go back to college. I am not sure if I will become a Nurse some day or if I will just get training fit specifically for the ministry that I feel I have been specifically called to do.

As for now, I am going to be on staff with YWAM for another year and maybe even for another year after that. I am unsure what my future holds, but I know that it holds in the hands of my God.

TRUST

It’s a typical fall day today. It’s cloudy, breezy, cool, and most of the leaves have fallen off trees as they layer the ground with a new shade of brown. Much like the changing of seasons, I have recently discovered a new layer of change in my life. I am growing and changing with every season, but I have realized that I will soon be entering into a new layer. This layer is something that I am going to have to make a conscious effort to change in my life.

One of the biggest things God told me He was going to do in my life this year was develop trust in my life. I have seen how I have had to learn how to trust God, first. Then I have learned that I need to trust others. And now I need to use the two together. I will be soon learning how to trust God when I trust others. I’ve come to the realization that I don’t willingly open myself up to people unless they open up to me first. But those relationships tend to be draining for me because they are one sided relationships. I have realized that I push people away before getting too close, and I don’t let people know how I really feel, especially in moments when I really need a friend. I don’t want to be co-dependent and so I try to deal with things that I am struggling with on my own, or with God’s help. So I am going to try to open myself up more, in hopes that I wont get hurt, and if I do I am going to ask God to help me to continue to open up and trust people more.

The Number of the Day is: 10

 

It’s 10 o’clock at night, on the 10th day of the 10th month in the year of 2010. The air is cold and rain falls from the sky. The wind blows as sounds of cars driving in puddles on the pavement . For me the Autumn season has just begun. Summer will blow it’s warm air through, but will only make an appearance from time to time until Winter makes it’s dramatic entrance.

A sigh of disappointment escapes my mouth. Thoughts of longing and of letting go fill my mind. And as I ponder this thought an epiphany comes to mind!

This is what I have been doing a lot lately. I have been letting go of my dreams and desires to fulfill God’s dreams and desires for me. Some of these dreams I believe are ones God has given to me years ago, but I still need to let those dreams go. It’s hard, but I really believe that in this season of my life God wants all of my heart. He wants all of my thoughts to be about Him. When I think about letting go of my dreams and desires, I cannot help but think of a song by Francesca Battistelli called I’m Letting Go. It speaks volumes to me right now.

Chorus:

I’m letting go of the life I’ve planned for me and my dreams
I’m loosing control of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

2nd Chorus:

I’m letting go of the life I’ve planned for me and my dreams
I’m loosing control of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me

a BIG season

Its the beginning of the Fall Season. The weather is getting cooler, the leaves are beginning to change, and the football season has begun.

For me, the new quarter is about to begin with about 105 students arriving on Monday. I am very excited to be staffing my 1st school as a Small Group Leader (SGL). I will be a SGL for the Musician’s Discipleship Training School. I will also be the Hospitality Assistant and helping out with some childcare (babysitting). It will be a busy quarter. With being a SGL, I will be discipling 3 young women throughout their 3 months of teachings. I will be meeting with them once a week for a one-on-one, and we will have Small Group times with all of us together. I am really looking forward to getting to know these women, along with the other people in the Musicians DTS.

On a more personal level, I am expecting highs and lows this season in my life. I am expecting good time and hard times. Now, I know that through the lows and hard times I will grow more and I will learn more, but I am prepared for it to not come “easy” or naturally. I have noticed a pattern of God revealing really significant things to me during seasons like this, and I am anticipating for God to reveal some answers to questions that I’ve had for a while. I am really looking forward to this season in my life, and the BIG things that are going to happen.

Twenty-Five

 

I am twenty-five years old. I am a quarter century old. I am old enough to rent a car without under age fees. I am more beautiful inward and outward than I was a year ago.
As of August 13th, I am twenty-five years old!

I am really excited for this year of my life. I feel in my spirit that big things are going to happen this year. I am going to go through a huge amount of growth and maturity. It’s going to be good.

At twenty-five, I would have thought that I’d be married, have at least one child, and possibly live the American Dream.  But at twenty-five I am single, have no children, am living on my own in a suburb in Denver, Colorado, working for a non-profit organization, trusting in God to provide for my finances, and living off of faith for God to provide all of my needs. It is wonderful. God knew what was best. I love my life!

This year I spent my birthday away from my family. It was hard at times, but I have such great friends and people that are like family here. I think because of these people, I had the best birthday in long time. I felt so loved and encouraged. I spent some quality time with several friends and went to downtown Denver for a girls night out. I am so blessed.

I am looking forward to what God has planned during my year of being twenty-five years old, and I am prepared to let Him use me in any way He has planned.

Happy Father’s Day

I’m a little late in writing this blog, but just as I acknowledged my mom – I want to acknowledge my dad.

My dad and I have a funny relationship. We are so much alike that we butt heads at times, and other times we think and see things alike.

As I have matured and grown up, I have noticed how much of God’s character I see in my dad. My dad provides for me when I need him to. If I get into a jam and need money, he is there to provide. If I need new clothes or a new pair of shoes, he is there to provide. If I need some family time; he is there. If I need advice, he is there. And if I need a hug, he is definitely there.

My dad sometimes appears to be “tough guy” by showing little emotion, but deep down he has such a soft, gentle, and compassionate heart. He often befriends the “underdog” even if that means an actual animal. Several times my mom and I have tried to convince my dad to get another animal (even when we had 4 cats and 3 dogs inside the house). But his answer was always, “NO!”. I now realize why he his answer was always no. It was because when he commits to something he sticks to it. Also, the animal that he seemed to like the most was the one that didn’t get as much attention.

My dad is witty and has random moments of silliness. He even likes to try to embarrass me. For example, I will be walking around in Wal-Mart with my parents and I may go off to look at something in a nearby isle. Sometimes my dad will shout “Rebecca! Rebecca!”, when he knows exactly where I am. I have learned to ignore him because it makes him look like a weirdo. I have also learned to follow his example, so once in a while I will be the weirdo yelling his name in a store.

I really appreciate my dad for all of the times that he could have given up during hard times. But he remained strong and continued to move forward. My dad has endured much in his life and made sure that my brother and I were always taken care of and that history did not repeat itself.

My dad is humble , loving, kind, generous, sensitive, perceptive, funny, honest, charismatic, loved by everyone he comes in contact with, and so much more.

I LOVE MY DAD!

 

Happy Mother’s Day

Today is my first mother’s day away from my mom that I can ever remember. I don’t like being away from family during holidays, but I know that it’s not going to be the last. I look forward to the day when I will one day have my own children and be able to celebrate Mother’s Day. I look forward to passing on traditions that my mom and I have done together, and even to making my own family traditions. My mom has had such an important part in my life and in shaping who I am today. I am so thankful for her and all of the sacrifices that she has made for me.

I love the relationship that my mom and I have. We can act like sisters sometimes and some even say that we look like sisters. :-) I love that whenever we argue about something all we need is a few minutes away from each other before we talk about the reason we acted the way we did and then we are back to normal.

I love my mom so much, not only because I have a piece of her DNA, but because she is amazing. Throughout trials in her marriage she remained strong and patient for God to heal her always forgiving heart. And because of her faith in God, my parents have been married for 30 years and counting.

I love that my mom tried not to show any signs of fear, resulting in some of my favorite childhood memories of catching bumble bees in a jar (without getting stung) and asking her if I could bring them inside. As a child I never understood why I couldn’t bring them inside.

I also love the compassionate heart she has. My mom is always wanting to “rescue” an animal from a local shelter or even from the side of the road. Although she has enough self-control to know when she is taking care of too many animals. And it’s interesting to me that sometimes animals would show up at the front door and look into the little side window, as if to say “aren’t you going to let me in”. It’s like they knew she would take care of them.

I love that my mom and I have the same sense of humor, and sometimes take a few minutes before understanding a joke. I love that she is so understanding and understands me when I feel like no one else does.

My mom is so willing to learn new things. I even love when trying to teach her something new, she sometimes gets easily distracted and loses focus. But her heart is still in the place of being teachable.

I love that my mom is always, and I mean ALWAYS encouraging. She will tell you the truth in a kind and loving way, then encourage you. She’s always been encouraging me to be whatever I want to be in life. And even the times when I didn’t know what I wanted to do, she still gave me encouraging words.

And during my teenage years when I was rebellious and did not want to obey my parents, my mom still loved me. She has always loved me.

I love that my mom is my best friend and always will be.

I love you, mom!

:-)

Intended for Larger Things

Picture taken from flickr.com

For the past week I’ve been reflecting on the personal growth that I’ve experienced. As I looked back I was reminded of a quote from the movie BIG FISH…

… Kept in a small bowl the goldfish will remain small, with more space the fish will double, triple, or quadruple it's size. It occurred to me then that perhaps the reason for my growth is that I was intended for larger things
After all, a giant man cant have an ordinary size life.

If I were a goldfish, I feel like I have already doubled in size and I am going to grow even more. I have gone through several difficult things: moving away from home, living on my own, being out of my comfort zone, etc. And through these things, like the picture above, I have jumped from the little bowl to the bigger bowl.

When I look back on my life and even think of the small town I grew up in. I think about the times that I have wanted more space to grow, but didn’t know how to obtain it. Now, I understand that I had to wait until it was given to me.

One of the biggest thing that I enjoy about my job is that I don’t have someone frequently checking up on me. Don’t get me wrong, I have a supervisor but they give me a task and expect me to get it done or most of it done. I’ve noticed that by having this freedom I have grown tremendously in maturity, discipline, and even spiritually. I love growing and moving forward in life. I’ve also realized that I like to be challenged because it stretches me to learn more and experience more.

Although hard, I am enjoying this challenging time and season of growth. I wonder how big of a fish I will grow to be.

Trying Not To Get Comfortable

It’s the middle of April which means that I have been on staff for 6 weeks. Usually by this point I have a pretty good assessment on how things are going in my life and with the things around me and what I need to do to change.

Being on staff has been good, tiring, and exciting. I love being able to work in a Christian atmosphere with positive people. I love meeting new people from all over the world and nurturing the children around me. I love where I am physically (at YWAM Denver) and what I am doing on staff (Reception, Child Care, Housekeeping, and planning for YWAM’s 50th anniversary).

Personally I can sense that I am starting to get comfortable. This is both a pro and a con. Getting comfortable can be a stepping block to apathy. I am at peace where I am, but I need to not forget to continue to push myself. I realized this today. I need to keep pushing myself to continue to develop relationships with the new students, which may include spending time with them when I am not on working hours. I need to be who I am and do what I do. I need to find a balance in pouring into others (staff and students) while also resting and allowing myself to get poured into by God. I need to remind myself daily of the promises that God has spoken to me since I have been here. He is so faithful and full of love!

Transitioning

The outreach teams are gone and in Samoa, Haiti, and Thailand. I am really excited to hear what God is doing in those countries and how He is using the teams to be a positive influence in the people there.

This week, so far, has been quiet around the base as the students are gone and myself and the other staff are preparing for the new students to arrive for the Spring quarter, which starts on Monday.

Next quarter my jobs are reception in the morning and childcare in the after noon. I am really looking forward to getting into a daily routine of my work week.

Today, as I write this I am filled with lots of joy and excitement for this new quarter to begin and also to move into my new home. Tomorrow I will be moving into the furnished  basement of a family who just ended their commitment with YWAM Denver.  I will be living there with another girl on staff, Ilsa. Ilsa did her Phase 2 with me and we’ve been roommates with each other for the past 2 weeks, so it’s been good getting to know each other on a different level than just classmates.

I’m Finally Here

Three years ago I finished my first YWAM school, and I was finally 100% sure about the calling that God had on my life. I was going to be a full time missionary and start off in the states with YWAM, but I didn’t know where. Before I eagerly jumped on the band wagon I needed to be be patient because God wanted me to go to YWAM Denver to do a School of Worship. After completing that secondary school I didn’t know what was next. I didn’t want to come back to YWAM Denver, but God slowly softened my heart and I began feeling like I was going to be on staff with YWAM Denver. I worked to save money for the next school – Phase 2/School of Ministry and Development. Three months after graduating from my 3rd school with YWAM – I came back to YWAM Denver to join staff.

YWAM Denver has become my home away from home.

I am officially a staff member of YWAM Denver. I have committed to being on staff here for a year at a time. I am excited for the next season of my life: one that I have been waiting 3 years to get to. I know that God has great plans for me and how to use me. I am going to meet many people in the next year along with touching the lives of many people of which excites me to the core. :-) However with all of the positive things that are going to happen, I am aware that it is not going to be easy and I am going to grow and mature to a deeper level.

The next quarter doesn’t start until April 5th, so until then I will be helping out wherever is needed. So far I know that I will be helping out in the kitchen, childcare, and maybe housekeeping.

I will post another blog once I know what I will be doing for the next quarter and of anything else that God is doing in my life.

:-)

Going to Haiti: Sooner Than Later

It’s been 3 years since I went to Haiti for outreach and a piece of my heart is still there. I was first broken for Haitians when I went to a Haitian village in the Dominican Republic (DR) which was near a garbage dump. I was told that those Haitians were there illegally there hoping for a better life in the DR, but by the way they were living it was worse. They had no running water, in fact the water they were drinking out of was a barrel of standing rain water that would drain off of their rusted tin roofs. Flies and mosquitoes often congregated around these water barrels. I saw many children with hardly any clothes on and very few were wearing shoes, let alone sandals.  It was poverty at it’s core. 

     

These pictures were taken at the Haitian village in the DR.

 

After about 2 weeks in the DR, I traveled to Haiti for 3 weeks. I was completely humbled as I traveled from Port-au-Prince (the capitol) to Jacmel where I stayed with a YWAM base there. My heart was broken even more as I compared my life back home to the poverty I was seeing right before my eyes. I was intimidated for the 1st week of my stay because I didn’t feel like I was doing enough for that country, but as time went on I developed more boldness within my spirit.

It has been almost 3 weeks since a 7.0 earthquake shook most of the country of Haiti.  Immediately when I had heard the news my heart was broken for the Haitians.  As I was praying for the country I felt so helpless because I so badly wanted to go and help out in any possible way. But as I was praying God reminded me that what I am doing, praying, is doing so much that I cannot even fathom. Also as I was praying I strongly felt like I will be going back to Haiti sooner than when I thought. Since I went on my outreach to the Caribbean I have always had a feeling that I would be going back but never knowing when and thinking it would be in the distant future. But I felt like God was telling me that I’d be going back to Haiti (possibly leading an outreach team) sooner than later. As I continue to pray and watch/read the news about the devastation of the earthquake I am anxious to go back to Haiti and help, but only anxious for God’s timing.

 
The Palace now after the earthquake in Port-au-Prince, Haiti 
(picture taken by one of my missionary friends January 30, 2010)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
--- Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

A building in Jacmel, Haiti

 

A boy at an orphanage that my team and I helped at.
I got attached to this little boy.